His income was mostly for his own frivolous purchases, my job paid the rent and most of the utilities (he paid his own phone bill and bitched about it nonstop). And when your husband does things like that, why would you choose him over anything else? We are the City That Never Sleeps, remember? That is not rational and that is not how business or marriages work. Im glad you have found enough awareness around this issue to help you handle it. He is obviously in distress, and rational or not, that is a bigger problem than just whether OP should go on her business trip. Thats where domestic abuse resources and charts come in. Yeah, there were some shady businesses. When an argument starts stop trying to persuade him or defend yourself. I strongly suspect it is not actually about Vegas, but perhaps a trip full of family friendly activities there could solve his issue if it is, in fact, about Vegas. Studies show that men who are outearned by their wives and cannot cover the households bills with their own income generally act out more about their successful wives. A pregnant woman recently asked the internet for advice after her husband refused to attend any of their doctor appointments. Hecalledme, saying thatI acted childish becauseI pushed him totakeme, and Ieavesdropped. One of mine once told me that his mom felt that I was being very unfair to him and was devastated that she wouldnt get to plan our wedding. Assuming you havent given him real cause for those worries (like a history of cheating), this is insulting to you and awful for the health of your relationship. Same with mine. You dont deserve to be treated that way. Im not a fan of Las Vegas (i.e., cigarette smoke, gambling, drinking), but many (perhaps all?) This isnt a man with an anxiety problem. walk. It probably wont improve the relationship to say this directly to him, but it is definitely something to keep in mind. Last time you went on a business trip, you spent the entire time dealing with his feelings about it instead of focusing of what you were actually there to do. It would never occur to him to equate a dang business conference held anywhere outside of a strip club with sexual abandon. You dont get an opinion on whether youre dumped!! If the problem isnt the one everyone jumps on, that means the LW get a lot of useless advice on a problem they dont have. Its crazy how often this happens. While she comes back with great stories of what she saw people doing, shes never felt in danger or anything like that. What Anonymous Poster is describing is a learned skill that a therapist can teach mot people. She didnt ask permission to go on a business trip this week, because I understand that her work travel is non-negotiable. If its my wife is going to a business conference.. But theres no letting about it. Do not sacrifice your career for this. (Note: relationship = 3-4 months of long-distance dating, which I quickly realized was a Bad Idea.) I also suggest that he seeks out personal therapy. Doyou have any tips onbuilding trust, friendship, and respect with your partners family? This doesnt excuse the behavior either way, but I think could be something to specifically discuss with him in addition to the other suggestions people have here. In Amish country. I hope this topic can also help someone else facing simalry issues. However, she expresses that love with some convoluted discussion about the risk of driving a car 8 miles from our home to downtown. assigning women extra work to help them, calling out when youre in the ER, and more. Not everything is OMG READ GIFT OF FEAR!!! If the question was my husband is forbidding it because of emergency X then we still have the same issue. Obviously we will have to stop every few hours to feed her. Whoever heard of such a thing, going to Sin City for work! Access to prostitutes, drugs, extramarital affairs, and excessive drinking and shenanigans is available pretty much in every town and city. Id be wondering if it isnt time to reconsider the marriage. Yes, this. We are individual people, and of course we take each other into account, but ultimately neither of us is the others possession or pet. I can believe that he chooses to associate mostly with people who share his views on sin, evil, and temptation. Im being somewhat sarcastic, but maybe a tiny bit serious: I wonder if the concern about her possibly cheating is some kind of fear that the evening networking event is actually a mandatory orgy? This is definitely a sign of relationship problems and is not normal. Its often fine to bring spouses on work trips, but I definitely think she shouldnt bring him in this situation. not roll my eyes and whisper not this again when she does go off on a tangent.. We stayed at the Excalibur (the kids LOVED staying in a castle, saw the jousting show, the MGM Lions, the aquarium at Mandalay Bay, and we also took them to play games at Circus Circus. Ive been unattached most of my life, and am in a life partnership now. This happens to me at the worst times, like when Im walking home in the evening or when Im doing chores alone around the house I get this feeling like im starting in the opening sequence of whatever creepy procedural I was watching. When your income is needed, you can take fewer risks by opting out of stuff at work. I hope some of it is helpful to you in some way. I knew that Counsling was the best step but I needed professional advice to confirm my thoughts. I supervise a manager who falsified an employee write-up but I dont think she should be fired. Not because I felt unsafe (though I kind of did, but I could remind myself that was because of CSI and not because of logic) but mostly because it was also not clean enough for my standards and the savings werent worth it the amount of time I spent trying to get places. Co-worker had a wonderful time. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. Entertainment loves to show affairs starting in the office, people lying about business trips when they have a whole nother family, etc. Wouldnt that bother you?. And Hunter Thompson and Oscar Acosta are dead anyway. She acted like she wasnt married. He is ambitious & caring.His insecurities have gotten the best of him in this situation. Autor de l'entrada Per ; Data de l'entrada columbia university civil engineering curriculum; hootan show biography . Its in Las Vegass best interests to keep visitors safe. It turned out that this was part of a larger problem he would call her every ten minutes at her desk at work too, and if she didnt answer, he would have her paged over the intercom. Youre working 10 to 12 hours a day on the show floor or out at dinners with vendors and clients. Im flummoxed that a whole group of people would respond this way to a very normal thing like a business trip, particularly when presented with the reasoning OP outlined in the letter. I might just be flinching at the use of the word wholesome, though. The letter writer specifically ASKED about anxiety. I hope that isnt what this turns out to be, but whatever it is, its not good. Updated: June 23, 2020. But instead of abuse and control and severely anxious the LW might be part of a cultural/ethnic subgroup where her role as breadwinner (and one that is doing well) that is a woman who is making more than husband is not the norm in her community and there is all sorts of talking/gossiping/pressure in the background at play. I dont think its all that misogynistic cheating isnt the only thing hes worried about. There were plenty of women there without their husbands. Why he wants to go alone. Oh thats my mothers thing, too. Hes my partner, not my parent, not my keeper, and Im still a grown ass adult who gets to decide what I do with my life. Thats exactly what Im doing right now too and it will be so much better when I dont have to justify the work trip to my husband and I dont have to pander to his unfounded insecurities. Going to the store and picking out our own groceries is the easiest thing in the world for us. Hope youre all right, OP. And thats Congo. And who are all these people in his scientific study that are so against letting their SO go to Las Vegas for a business trip?? Im not diagnosing at all. Lets just say that the memo made it clear that there WAS going to be a LOT of partying of all sorts. I think (I hope!) She is bottle fed and was at that time, too, so if your LO is EBF, I'd say add more time. It gives him something else to focus on, so he isnt sitting on the couch by himself, watching TV and brewing in anxiety. I agree with you on the personal deal-breakers, but thats not the discourse thats going on here at the moment. I thought his friends were objecting to his stance and would even let their spouses go. I dated a guy like that! Nope. We live a block away from a grocery store. I know that, but if I was in construction, or teaching, or something like that, maybe I wouldnt. Thats what I was thinking. I know that many conferences are held there, and wouldnt bat an eye at my fiancee going there without me. Or get off? I would be surprised if it were anything more than a coincidence, but I think that reading that letter/advice/comments could be beneficial for this OP to see how it would likely be perceived if she did refuse to take the trip at her husbands behest. He can see how boring Vegas really is. 5. Not everything is an abusive relationship, AAM commentariat. He would be excited, even. Im not necessarily that suspicious of the friends. I think the intent is clear, though; its that the nameless sources would object to their spouses going. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. Why doesnt he trust you? He is just jealous that he cant get off work and go with me! He could also stand some counselling, Im sure, but you need his buy-in for that. Honestly, it feels awful. Im almost always jealous of the cool stuff he sees in his job, but I cant imagine being angry or upset about the trips. At first I was shocked, but that was only due to the misconceptions about that place. Dude she failed to mention that she hid pictures of her with mail strippers and lied about it and when I seen what pictures she showed me she dressed up better than she ever dresses at home. Also she is sole provider for family? Sure, but hes also clearly controlling and very manipulative. Ioverheard mymother-in-law say, Did she really have nowhere else togo. But if all your life experiences back it up, its not until youre faced with a new point of view (i.e., your wife goes on a business trip) that any of these beliefs even come to the surface. Then the next day drive another five hours and spend the night in a hotel then the final day if we drove five hours we would be at the beach. I never said anything about kiddnaping I had 3 seperate friends get sexually assaulted there. If your classes are in the evening then change your major. mmmmmmm..yeah. Nah this isnt about irrational fears on his part, its about control. I played Princess Bride slots for 45 minutes. OPs partners behavior is affecting her directly. It comes across as so controlling. Did you say, thanks for confirming that I need to get away from you immediately & forever? Something I would like you to keep in the back of your mind: I dont know whether your husband has anxiety or not, I dont know whether he is controlling or not. You should go to counseling, alone and together if hell go with you, because I cant tell if hes super anxious, or just super controlling. Anger can feel like a reward I always feel more assertive and more in control when Im angry than when Im anxious (and theres a lot of overlap between anger and anxiety anyway, thanks to physical arousal and adrenaline). If it was possible to take him along I could see that potentially helping if the main issue is wrong information and assumptions. Vegas strip is basically just that a massive neon strip mall with lots of people. We stay at mid-level resorts and usually pay about $40 a night. Would he demand she quit? I would have zero concerns about my husband going to Vegas without me, and I know that he would have zero concerns about me going without him. Oh, good, dont have to worry about Massive Problem A oh hey, Medium Problem B, lets obsessively think about that for ages!. It sounds like he may possibly have an anxiety disorder of some type. My (mentally ill) mom does this thing where if theres something she doesnt want me to do, she makes up stories about how dangerous/stupid/inconsiderate/selfish/wrong of me to do it. I definitely recommend Captain Awkward too for assistancence (she, Allison, and Doctor Nerdlove need to be together one day). Thanks for your thoughtful self-awareness. Im a bit flabbergasted. I may have missed a comment already saying this, but looking for a way to put the husband in the best possible light, does he work in a field that never had business travel? You have a good day and thank you. Prostitution is NOT legal in Las Vegas. If you have time to arrange a therapist, try to meet with several and then pick the one that is the best fit. You need to do this to protect your relationship, because frequent anger is corrosive and damaging. But Im not at all confident this is the source of the husbands issues :(. My spouse also has some anxiety issues, and will develop obsessive worries about certain irrational things. I trust my wife but I dont trust a lot of strange people. I suppose, trying to be as charitable as possible, I would agree that Vegas has kind of a skeezy reputation and I would prefer a reputable company to do the trip somewhere more wholesome. Thats an unreasonable stance. He thought I should take his moms feelings into consideration and realize that I wasnt just hurting him, but his family as well, and reconsider. And theres more but I here these comments and the whole story wasnt told. Okay. Some couples like a lot of separate space between them, others dont. Im so glad I made that choice. Its so odd that he seems so fixated on Vegas (which can be perfectly harmless, I went there many times as a small child and turned out just fine). What if he dies? I did a similar trip after I had my second but I did it different than everyone else. And the largest baggage-caroussel room Id ever seen and then I saw the OTHER baggage-caroussel room, that was unused at the time. But he needs to sit down, fix a drink (I prefer Earl Grey, YMMV), and look at his actions and the state of his marriage. I love her, and I know she warns me about this because she loves me and she wants me to be safe, but Im just really glad to see Im not the only one right now!! In addition to bolstering his position in our argument it had the nice (for him) side effect of alienating me from all of my friends who I believed were talking crap about me behind my back. And in the second place, theres definitely nothing that conflicts with the fact that surveying ones friends is not a great way to navigate ones marriage. rarely cede ground. Im pretty sure most religious counselors would see the ridiculousness of his position too. Significant others who mess with your career or education are bad news. should I tell my coworker about our colleagues criminal record, I deeply regret joining my companys leadership program, and more, my company is cutting my overworked teams pay as punishment for mistakes. Me: What did you say? It totally IS. Stay at Luxor for dirt cheap, or Mandalay Bay for the pool. As sinful as it gets, I tell ya! A difficult or stressful situation with in-laws can cause undue stress and anxiety, making you feel rejected and undervalued. Don't exhaust yourselves. Hes watched too many college Spring Break movies, right? And Id add that theres a difference between (unwarranted) demands rooted in irrational fears, and those rooted in control/trust issues. It was literally created by the mob and has legalized prostitution and gambling. Before you talk with your husband, try tounderstand why hedidnt want you there. And shes the main provider in the family? It may not necessarily be abusive, but it is controlling it doesnt get a pass just because other people would do it. But you dont get to be irrational all over someone else without consequence. I'm kind of dreading it because my infant hates the car and my 2 year old is not the sitting type. He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go. Is it only the Vegas trip where he has the outsized reaction or is there some anxiety for safety around all trips? I just want to highlight this since some commenters are piling on about the husband being some kind of chauvinist keeping women down.
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